rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.