If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
What’s so funny?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no