Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Breaking news:
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”