I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.