Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

#catsoftwitter