i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
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Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
…..pretty much.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah