My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*