tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence