Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
You Might Also Like
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
New tinder profile pic
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.