A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.