Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
2022 be like
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
No, I don’t think I will.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?