Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
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Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?