daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP