I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
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WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.