What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.