Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
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Squirrels before girls.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.