Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Probably my best painting.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.