Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.