I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
lol
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding