Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Wait for it
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.