Wait for it
You Might Also Like
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
#Caturday
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
When you’re here for the treats.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”