I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
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Wait for it
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Fights fire with marshmallows
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I think I’m having a stroke