What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.