So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be