So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Yes my dude
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If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.