Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,