In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no