LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
You Might Also Like
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
A game married people play.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.