At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Practicing safe sax
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.