Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When your man makes a valid point
Am getting real tired of your crap…
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…