If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.