I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.