me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars