-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“What?”
– Jude
TEETH IS INNOCENT
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.