What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra