The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
(yawn)
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell