10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.