If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
You Might Also Like
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
if you鈥檙e feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Wednesday
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 馃榾
I wouldn鈥檛 say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
me: I鈥檓 stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you鈥檝e been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.