My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”