The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Twitter is an abusement park.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.