Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me too
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”