In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.