If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
You Might Also Like
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’m pretty like a car crash.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner