Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My purse is deeper than some people.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.