mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
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Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
584.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Alexa, make me look good naked.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.