ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats