oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
haha same
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
nice challenge
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie