Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
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god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.