god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
In banana years, I am bread.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Ugh
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots