COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.