Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.