Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Never forget.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
You wish you had this many chins.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank