Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES